As long as we agree that there are some bad people in the world, we can also agree that there are a lot of disappointed parents.
Those parents carry enormous amounts of guilt, shame, and regret, besides their disappointment.
Don’t we love to feel full of pride when our son or daughter accomplishes something wonderful! We talk about and celebrate their graduations, career advancements, new homes, and grandchildren with enthusiasm.
We’re so much quieter about addictions, domestic abuse, extended unemployment, foreclosure, or grandchildren we don’t even get to see or enjoy.
Parents may have been completely devoted to rearing their children, yet their adult child may discard them. Parents may actually believe they spoiled their child but in later years find themselves with an ungrateful son or daughter who openly attests that his or her childhood was terrible.
And when or how can a parent draw the line financially after the years of resources already spent on the wellbeing of their children?
Parents sometimes desperately spend their limited savings and retirement money on treatment for addiction recovery of their “child.”
Many aging adults now have limited financial resources after adopting or fostering their grandchildren, due to the inability of the “child” to be a responsible parent.
Parents may have other children who were raised in the same home and are doing wonderfully as productive adults they can relate to in a healthy way.
However…
that ONE problematic adult child may become the BIGGER focus of attention and energy,
with the parent(s) spending more time praying, crying, and trying anything to bring that “other” child back into the fold.
“There’s too much awareness that the family is not complete,” said one estranged mother. “That ‘child’ is missing from every family event and it’s just not the same, even though I fake joy as much as possible, for the sake of my other children and grandchildren.”
What can we do if we are deeply disappointed by our adult children? The following may be helpful…
- Accept that you are suffering a HUGE loss. You are grieving daily.
- Be strong… strong enough to FEEL. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) said, “It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to.
- Spend a little time looking at old pictures – only if it helps you remember you did your best. Old pictures of birthday parties, holidays or much simpler occasions may remind you that you did what you could with what you knew at that time.
- Consider expert advice from a mental health expert. There may be new “tools” you could use while you go through this very difficult time.
Keep hope alive, continue praying, and remember that life is full of surprises that happen in ways we could never imagine in advance.
Consider the following.
We all know someone with an estranged adult child. They just may not talk about the situation often.
Can you share this article with someone who is suffering and feeling alone?
Can you remind the estranged parent they’re still a good person and they did their best?
Any more ideas for disappointed parents? Comments?
This is the strong medicine I needed. I am a single Dad. My wife left with our children two months after 9/11. It felt like a complete ambush because we were in marriage counseling and she nodded when asked if I was doing all that was prescribed and agreed to. I fully expected to remain married all my life. I lived in a tent 5 years to recover from the economic strains of child support and alimony. I worked very hard over next 20 years, and wrote HUNDREDS of letters to my children in addition to seeing them as often as the court would allow. I consoled myself that they would be adults linger than children and we’d relate well then. Not so.
I am disrespected and disregarded by my children. I have always put my family first and despite hardships worked extremely hard and was successful. I bought three homes; one for myself and one for each child. My daughter lives in one, just graduated from college (I paid for as my ex wife only bought luxury cars with the 100’s of thousands I paid out over the years). Last year, I began my world travels after retiring. Today I get a picture of my daughter. It appears she went through with a surgery to remove her breasts. She is taking male hormones as well.
This evil was taught in a public school that I had no say in her attending. I feel that I have lost all my family. I want to sell all the properties and never return to the states.
I am happy to hear, see and affirm the character, resolve and deep reserves of goodness shown by the parents shown in this forum. I appreciate your candor, vulnerability and essential goodness.
We get a small glimpse of what God did for a sinful, disrespectful and wayward world when contemplating our disappointments in our old children. He made His greatest sacrificial gift toward us when we were at our worst. Jesus remained Lord after His disciples flaked out. I guess we can only find peace in embracing His example and praying for an outcome I feel impotent to affect.
Thanks everyone.
Hi Bernice
I am so saddened to read your story. Can I start by telling you that another person’s behaviour and life choices (especially an adult) is their OWN responsibility. Are you ready to accept this?
I say accept because it’s not about belief – it is an immutable law of nature. You cannot control another person. Which leads me to the essence of your suffering. Control or better stated – your innate lack of it – particularly over your daughter’s life.
Do you feel guilt over her medical diagnoses? Do you feel responsible for her condition? If you do then you are misguided. If she has told you that you are , then SHE is misguided!
As a person of faith you would know that we will be judged by our own actions in this life – not another persons.
You cannot help your daughter until you model to her the way in which you will tolerate being treated. What have you modelled so far?
It is not your daughter who allows her child to treat you disrespectfully – it is YOU who allows it.
This is the one thing you can change TODAY! Develop some self-love. You cannot truly love another until you first love yourself. This is the real meaning of the golden rule. You know “do unto others etc etc” It starts with loving yourself, and this means making it quite clear to others in your life what you will and will not accept from them.
If this upsets your daughter , then I’m afraid you will have to deal with the consequences and so will she.
Maybe in exchange for all the work you do for her, you could request better treatment from her and her child??
If you are worried about their future without you, then perhaps she needs to also see the consequences of that right now? Withhold your help if she does not comply. That is absolutely your right.
I also have a physical disability – I also struggled to accept it for a while – but I never blamed anyone else or expect anyone to help me because of it. It sounds like she hasn’t dealt with her feelings about her disability properly either. This is the first step that SHE needs to take.
I will also pray for you.
Mary-Jo
I realize now that I am 69 years old, I’ve been an enabler to my 42 year old daughter. She is married with a darling 5 year old daughter. However, she is a huge disappointment and I believe it is all my fault. I wasn’t always an enabler; it only happened after she was diagnosed
with fibromyalgia at age 22 after graduating from college. She is very accomplished as far as her education with a Master’s Degree, but she uses me and I let her. It’s because I want to get her on her feet. She is now obese and has every excuse in the world why she is always sick, tired, unorganized, and now close to being unemployed again. I cry a lot and fall apart all the time. I just want to go away and let her face the world on her own but then I think of my granddaughter and it pains me as to how she is going to make it in this world the way her mom and dad lead their lives. I am now ready to move far away because I know I am an enabler….and unfortunately I have a lot of pride and try hard in everything I do. My husband wants me to move away from her and her family. She let’s my 5 year old granddaughter talk to me in terrible disrespectful ways, just the way she talks to me after I have cooked, cleaned, did her laundry, taken her daughter to school, picked her up and watched her for hours then having dinner ready for the whole family. Im ready for a breakdown. I know I should know better, but all this comes from love for my daughter. I’m a very accomplished, educated, competitive workaholic and have been all my life. Please give me some advice. I pray constantly for God to help me and her. I never give up but now I am at the end of how much I can take.
I feel so defeated; that I wasted my life pouring it into giving my children the best we could when they would probably turned out the same if we had just left them to their own devices. I’m profoundly disappointed. So much potential, and I see fruit in only 1/4 of them.
My adult son (19) is suffering from depression, has huge anxiety about getting a job, has no interests or goals. I don’t know how to help him. He is living at home and unemployed. He has frequent anger outbursts, never violent, but more like manic. He had some money saved up from high school jobs but now that he’s graduated he has no motivation to work and doesn’t really go out and spend a lot but it will run out before too long. I’m so worried about his future and his mental health. He won’t go see a counselor and says his medicine for depression does help him sleep but doesn’t make him feel better. He was such a happy kid. I’m at such a loss on what to do and how to do it.
Ive never done this s before but here goes. I have 3 children 2 girls and a boy. The girls are making they mistakes as they go thru life, pick themselves up an move on. The boy does get it. He has a problem with drugs, just came out of rehab in November. He was there for 60 days. I wanted him to stay for 90 but he didn’t. Today is Christmas. He has left to live with a girl he met in rehab. Mind you, he has 4 children with a girl he never married and is trying to get herself straightened out . She too has or had a drug problem. They were so bad that the two youngest were placed in my protective custody 2 years ago but since then have been released back to their parents. My son was able to move back in with me due to covid when it started because I didn’t think he was going to avoid getting it living here and there. Last June he left again on drugs, cried to come back home but I wouldn’t let him until he we to rehab. He did the rehab and something I’ve never done before was to let the mother say at my house that weekend because they couldn’t find a hotel room. I know nothing happened that weekend at my house but 2 weekends latter I’m sure it did. How can he sleep with one girl and 2 weeks later go to another and move in with her when he hasn’t known her that long. He told his sister he wants to wake up everyday and make her smile. He so reminds me of his father who I divorce when my son turned 18. My son has told me before he is a gigalo. He does have a car, suspended license and no job because he has a background of using fake prescription to get drugs filled. I hate opioids! Needless to say I couldn’t get him to go to a meeting follow up with a doctor or anything. I know I need to let him go but I don’t know what feeling I’m holding on to. He has a power over me only because I let this feeling control mt. Is it shame? Disappointment? Fear he is going to die? I have lived the last 20 years of my life wondering if the next person shot, or hospitalized was him. Writing is supposed to help, but I don’t know. I gave him to God when he was first born and in my arms at the hospital. I will keep giving him to God but I don’t want to live my last 20 years with the mind set towards him that the last 20 has been. If this post helps anyone than I’m glad. My heart goes out to all parents, siblings that have or are going Thur what we have been thru. He hadn’t been a real part of the family for 20 years. Hi younger sister has only really known him for the last 5 and is glad, or at least she says so, that she didn’t know him before. May God Bless us all and make our load lighter.
You, & everyone else on this site has to learn how to let go…..how to give up self-blame (me, too)…how to recognize that, yes, we might have made some stumbles or errors in raising our kids, b/c after all, they don’t come w/operator’s manuals…esp first-borns! AND, at some point, children we raised have a power of choice, for good or bad…& the power of self-determination (against which, I’m willing to bet, we’ve ALL dealt with in the negative). I googled around to this site b/c of disappointment in my grown children—esp. at this holiday season, as I’ve seen so many others post at this time, too: My 2 boys are so narrow, so distant emotionally from us, (alcohol is involved w/one of them and his wife) & they were NOT raised that way (tho’ the women they married, were. ) I delayed working out of our home, tho’ we lived in downright penury b/c of it…b/c I didn’t want anyone else to raise them. No one could love/care for them like me. I mourn, b/c they both married–both past age 30— well-to-do & uber-educated professional women who were raised in boarding schools. Parents were absent (& sometimes, that was a GOOD thing.) Their lives are now so sterile, so unfeeling, so distant from us. (Like….my husband has had several serious surgeries on his legs over the last few years…& neither of our boys has even called, let alone visited –& both live within an hour to 2 driving distance), to see if he is “OK” & yet, when one of the boys required surgery, we were requested to attend/take off work to help in the recovery, potty-train the grandchild, etc etc….) But I recognize that they must be loyal to the women they married. For both of them, their father & I are the only ones in their lives who have modeled this loyalty: we’ve been married 50 yrs. My husband’s siblings, & mine….ditto……our children have taken this for granted……but for the women my boys married, not so. Broken families. I am hurt by some of the positions they’ve taken that they were not raised to take or defend, but understand. I don’t know what to do about it other than to respect it & move on in my own life, always open to an exchange of love & respect with my kids & their wives & my ONE grandchild. I am at the end of my life in some fashion, some number of years unknown to me, just b/c, tho’ healthy, I am getting older. I can not torture myself for transgressions unknown to me at this time, or for an omission that I might not have been capable of preventing in my young, economically disadvantaged years as a new parent. My husband & I are decent people who spent our lives & professions working to give to others, improve ourselves (we both worked for/paid for on our own/’earned advanced degrees & did good with them for our family–IMO…without neglecting our children OR our extended families…..), & giving to our children (& foster child who is closer to us in some ways than our own “real” children) , our church, our communities, & modeled fairness, humility, a work ethic, & a constant connection to our families, close & distant, no matter what (& believe me, there was a LOT of “no matter what”). I am disappointed that the “fruits of my labors” seemingly failed. I am sad. I am preoccupied with this in thoughts way more than I’d like to be. My husband, too. I don’t have a magic solution to all this to pass along. But, I have slowly arrived at a position, thru COVID quarantining from everyone (including family) and my years of living with my disappointing experiences with my kids….that, I can survive this. I must NOT beat myself up….I must not rescue my kids from the difficulties of their own making (which are not near so bad as some of the things you all describe on this site….but they are still…needless, self-made distractions to a good family life…….) I must allow them to take responsibility for their own problems, esp those of their own making, and esp when they hurt the family…….I must come to KNOW that right now, my responsibility is to keeping me & my husband healthy & held in each -other’s hands safely & in love into the ends of our lives. That’s where we are now….maybe 10 years….maybe 20 if we’re good & do what we need to do. We need to do what we can for our family, but not to the detriment anymore to our own well-being, our own safety, our own economic well-being….our own comfort, our own last days, however long or short. There is a point at which we all must arrive at this destination—–if not, then it will result in being at our own peril. In a little addendum to this: I grew up in a rural dairy farming culture in an Eastern state. In the culture I grew up in, the parents took care of the children…. & sometimes the grandparents & great-grandparents….& other elderly, in a circle of care. This circle of care saw the care of the youngest provided by the elders—while those who worked the farm did the business of the family….& now….it seems to me—a baby-boomer, that it’s all gone to hell. The eldest amongst us boomers are caught up in a never-ending job of raising sometimes ourselves …sometimes even younger siblings…& then our own children…& then grandchildren (sometimes where I work…their great-grandchildren!) & then the unending onslaught of taking care of the unable (drug-dependent, otherwise unable) relatives……AND, BTW…if I can be a moment political at all…having the “privilege” as higher-earning “middle class” of PAYING for it all in it’s national incarnation in a 40% income tax rate….outside of my own state 10% tax rate. ……So….at the end of my life, I’m left wondering——-just what did I do “right” in the end after all?
This is the strong medicine I needed. I am a single Dad. My wife left with our children two months after 9/11. It felt like a complete ambush because we were in marriage counseling and she nodded when asked if I was doing all that was prescribed and agreed to. I fully expected to remain married all my life. I lived in a tent 5 years to recover from the economic strains of child support and alimony. I worked very hard over next 20 years, and wrote HUNDREDS of letters to my children in addition to seeing them as often as the court would allow. I consoled myself that they would be adults linger than children and we’d relate well then. Not so.
I am disrespected and disregarded by my children. I have always put my family first and despite hardships worked extremely hard and was successful. I bought three homes; one for myself and one for each child. My daughter lives in one, just graduated from college (I paid for as my ex wife only bought luxury cars with the 100’s of thousands I paid out over the years). Last year, I began my world travels after retiring. Today I get a picture of my daughter. It appears she went through with a surgery to remove her breasts. She is taking male hormones as well.
This evil was taught in a public school that I had no say in her attending. I feel that I have lost all my family. I want to sell all the properties and never return to the states.
I am happy to hear, see and affirm the character, resolve and deep reserves of goodness shown by the parents shown in this forum. I appreciate your candor, vulnerability and essential goodness.
We get a small glimpse of what God did for a sinful, disrespectful and wayward world when contemplating our disappointments in our old children. He made His greatest sacrificial gift toward us when we were at our worst. Jesus remained Lord after His disciples flaked out. I guess we can only find peace in embracing His example and praying for an outcome I feel impotent to affect.
Thanks everyone.
I feel your pain… please write more and not suffer alone..
My daughter is 38 years old. She was a problem child all the time she was growing up. She had ear problems. I ended up spoiling her because I felt bad for her. She also had learning problems. The school called me daily at work. She would be hiding in the bathroom. She had no friends. She quit school went to work at a store. She met a security guard and they started dating.
He was great at first but he turned into a narcissist. Now she can do nothing without him. I can’t go out with my daughter unless he tags along. He has to decide where we eat and what we do. I have had it. Now there loosing there house because he did no maintenance . This has been going on 20 years and I can’t let go.
Nobody seems to be writing on here lately… i could sure use some support 🙁
The holidays are extremely painful and me and my husband dont even celebrate. One lives far away and the other one doesnt care. I hope they dont wake up too late. And dang– we are nice people! I feel so cheated .. any others have prob w holidays with this??
Yes, my last holiday was almost identical to yours. We are not alone. My husband and I made the best of it. Enjoyed each other and watched old movies. It is disappointing but we have to try and not let them or anyone else steal our joy! We can’t control how other people behave. I know it hurts and some days are better than others . Everyday I give it to God and know . I also know what I go through makes me stronger in my faith and brings me closed to God. All I can do is trust God and find joy and things to be grateful for in my life . And there is always something to be grateful for.
At least you have each other. Imagine like a lot of us being totally alone with no partner and the children we adored and raised with every care, don’t care that we are on our own. Don’t visit. Don’t ring, don’t care .and we have no one to turn to.
Yes, holidays had been inwardly excruciating for about 10 yrs. The past 5 years I have learned to put that pain in a little pocket, that I open at a later date, which becomes less and less frequent. I try to find joy anywhere I can: there are plenty of good, caring, interesting positive people, just not my kids unfortunately. I did my best, God knows. So did you.
My daughter of 18 finally moved into the dorms last month. After years of manipulation and lies she finally is gone!
But of course is now failing 3 out of her 5 college classes. Pulling her normal routine of life is too hard and her teachers are the “ problem”
My husband for years has taken her side and last night we had a blow up fight where I finally said our manipulative daughter or me your wife of 29 years…..
He says me, but I’m sure you ladies reading this knows what this does to your marriages. All he sees is his cute little girl and all I see is a lying, manipulative adult that is not welcome to live in my home ever again!
She is a classic narcissist. Luckily I had 2 other successful children but this one will end up making a couple bucks over minimum wage and a drain on society. For that I apologize, ☹️
Oh hon, please take care of you and know its not your fault. My therapist believes after 30 yrs of work its more nature than nurture, in other words born with tendency. Shes on her own path and will have to learn hard way. Your husb should pick his wife over daughter but hes probably in denial and an enabler. I have children different than me too and i truly think inborn as not what we taught them. My heart hurts for you but please know you are loved and not alone. God bless you 😉
Linda, I feel your pain. Know that you are far from alone. I have a 27 year old daughter who was a drug addict. She got sober (from heroin), got married, had a baby and then threw it all away to use again. She was living with us; all we asked her to do was take care of her baby. We ended up having to take custody and kick her out because she was using. She then had another baby. She seems better but is a mess. She looks like a wreck. I feel like you, guilty and ashamed that I did not contribute a better person to society. We are normal people. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, married over 30 years, I’m a professor, he is a border patrol agent. I have come to believe that she is the way she is because that is her nature. We tried everything, rehabs, counselors, psychiatrists, you name it. There is no other way to say it other than “it hurts my soul”. Some kids are just bad.
Interesting you have such traffic on this site because most people i know have perfect adult children. (We are laughing)
God exists- please seek Him..
I have miracles you wouldnt believe..
Something cant come from nothing.. the Universe had a Creator.. 🙂
Your children were beautifully and wonderfully made- a miracle. I pray for yours and all of ours:)
You’ve never met my daughter, let me tell you she can destroy a family and there’s no saving it!
I know many who have a child like this. Cry, pray and do your best to go find love in the world…
Can you give examples…
How are things…. holidays very hard for me..
And the saying “,children come through us not from us”… sometimes i cant believe theyre my kids- so different than me..
Such a disappointment…
Ugh!!
We do our best and then they go off and make their own choices.. often opposite of what weve taught them and it hurts sooooo horribly, esp when you know theyre making a bad choice..
I have friendless children and ive said they have NO idea the pain they escaped..
Go make YOU happy in whatever way thats is please….Gods peace to you
Oops, would you be so kind as to delete my last comment
made earlier today. I will repost it in a slightly amended version. Sorry, but I was just spilling it out – good to do in a way. But it was also I think slightly too much for www. Thank you.
“Accept that your are suffering a huge loss”. My adult son aged 19 has (undiagnosed) PDA, a subset of autism. Appears fairly normal but not far under the surface he struggles with every day life. He is either totally passive or impulsive. He’s getting a serious criminal record for selling drugs, relationships superficial, completely disorganised, has been homeless. I had to ask him to leave as tired of the arguments and his sullenness and anger, refusing to do anything and living in a dirty shambles he cannot see :(. He is my only son and was brought up with love and care, but this genetic lottery has resulted in his difficult life. It’s been a huge disappointment for me, not just his criminality and chaos, my shame and helplessness- but also the loss of our relationship. I cannot help him anymore, as it just brings more stress and despair for me. He is neither thankful or cooperative, but like a demanding child. My own life has been tough – chronic illness, single parent, and having an unloving narcissistic mother. My son was my last joy/hope but since the age of 13 it just meant more stress, sadness and disappointment. I believe My combined physical illness, grief and sadness make it impossible for me to be part of normal society anymore. And so I’ve become a recluse. I’ve even lost my faith. I’m just glad I’m getting older now, and won’t have all this pain too much longer. Thank you for this article and acknowledging the real pain many of us disappointed parents experience. In the meantime Love to all.
Jane…. im sorry to tell you i feel your pain…. i hurt for us all…
Self care for you, please! You deserve LOVE.. i care about you even though stranger.. heart to heart hugs xo
I’m so grateful to have found this page! While it’s wonderful to have a space to vent, I’m truly sorry for everyone else who is dealing with children who are disappointments. I have an 18 year old son who I am ashamed of and disappointed in. He smokes marijuana and vapes, repeatedly lies, and has stolen money from me and his sister. He struggles with depression and anxiety. He sees a therapist and takes medication (which can’t fully work due to his use of marijuana). He says he’s not addicted and can stop, but doesn’t want to- it’s fun and makes him feel good. I mentioned rehab, but he said he would run away. The only good thing is he’s going to try attending college in a few weeks, although I think that’s only so he can get away from his father and I, and be unsupervised. He has no idea what he wants to do in life. I believe in the power of prayer, but still have a difficult time dealing with this. My husband and I have done so much for him and gave him whatever he wanted or needed. I hope and pray that it doesn’t get worse at college!! If he fails out and refuses to go to rehab what do I do? If I kick him out I’m afraid he’ll get even worse being alone with no place to live. I feel like such a failure.
Jane…. im sorry to tell you i feel your pain…. i hurt for us all…
Self care for you, please! You deserve LOVE.. i care about you even though stranger.. heart to heart hugs xo
Liz ,I’m sorry your going through this with your son . Your story is very similar to mine . My son is 18 years old . He also uses marijuana/vaping . I believe he started doing this in 11th grade . I think he thinks he’s fooling me , that I don’t know he’s high , but like any smart parent I know . It’s extremely disappointing to say the least . It’s also very worrisome . I tend to imagine to worst . They say it’s the gateway drug . I can only hope and pray (which I do daily ) that this will not be the case with him . He’s also struggled with his grades for as long as I can remember . Some years barely passing . This is her a senior year and I’m very worried he may find himself having to take summer classes and get his high school diploma in the Mail if he’s lucky . He is often late for school and sometimes skips school all together . I can’t tell you how disappointed I feel over all of this . My husband and I do not smoke marijuana or do any kinds of drugs . We are a caring loving family . My older son is in his second year of college and works part time , he’s a good kid , very respectful , smart etc . It’s not to say that my 18 isn’t a good kid , he is . He always speaks to me with respect . He’s always been respectful to his teachers . I just don’t see him having a lot of motivation . He’s not sure what he wants to do in life . He says he wants to go to college in September , but I wonder , where he plans to get the motivation from ? He’s not so interested in high school .. We love him so much !. I’m so worried about him and what will happen to him in life . We have talked many times about these things , grades and how important school is , drugs and how important it is to stay away and be healthy . And can’t even keep his bedroom together , it’s always a disaster . Grooming even seems to be an issue . He will get a haircut every now and then . He eats like a bird and needs to gain some weight … I’m so worried and totally at a loss I feel like I may need to see if he’s willing to go and speak to a professional at this point but I think I pretty much know what that answer will be ……
We are in the same boat. I was a single mother and exhausted myself providing for my daughter. Thank you for sharing.
I love the Mr. Rogers quote!
My daughter was a brilliant student all through high school and university. She now is unable to think for herself. She married an idiot who is into survivalism. She’s bought into the whole garbage. Originally, they planned to go off the grid by squatting somewhere in the wilderness, but then they bought a house, very remote, far out in the country. Her idiot husband’s occupation on weekends is shooting gophers. This is a girl who was brought up among books, art, theater and ballet. She went to private school, which as a single mother I went hugely into debt to pay for so she could get the best education and best opportunities in life. Now, without ever thinking critically, she’s bought into this survivalist garbage that her husband his family believe in. They’re all a bunch of Covid conspiracy theorists, and she’s bought into that, too. It is so heartbreaking for me to watch this highly educated girl turn into some sort of redneck hillbilly and survivalist. She doesn’t even seem aware that her husband ought to function at a higher level and find a weekend hobby other than shooting gophers. I regret having children. They’re not worth the heartache they cause as adults.
I am sorry for you and have a similar situation going on myself. All three of my children have managed to disappoint me. I totally agree, I would never have children again.
Me too
I think what hurts is i gave it all and they dont seem to appreciate it or even like me and i have alot of friends so im likeable!
All my childless friends= no pain like this..
Can you believe those darling little kids would kill us like this… i tell people dont bother… work and have friends….
Im so sorry..
Wish i could meet you for coffee and assure you NOT alone.. my heart is broken …
My sister always says– why have kids. They grow up and hate you anyway…
Alot feel same…
She was TOO good.. works in reverse i think. Weird– People just love their abusive parents and great parents no appreciation..
Jodi- how are things?
And if we say this we are terrible people yet what we have suffered is beyond bearable…
I feel for you, I have a 21 year old son that is an embarrassment
Clarie, I’m with you, and you are not alone, but don’t blame your self or feel overly sorry, you have done the best you can, and the adult child is after all an adult now fully responsible for their own decisions, choices, and the consequences. If they refuse to listen to you for advises, just leave them to God or to Satan, let them be judged for their own behavior when the day comes. I too have a daughter of 26 years old, a good girl graduated top 10 in high school in a very good suburban neighborhood and went on to university with a full scholarship (4 year) for a engineering major, graduated with a good pay job, but somehow decided to squander everything she earned so hard through years of education, she unemployed herself and decided to become a survivalist, hate working, hate corporation, hate supervisors, hate companies….I had many many many serious conversations with her to try to get her back on track, but to no avail…..I will just leave her alone and hope the brutal world will eventually teach her a hard and bloody lesson so she can become mature and a real responsible adult, but if not, good luck to her.
Ugh!!
We do our best and then they go off and make their own choices.. often opposite of what weve taught them and it hurts sooooo horribly, esp when you know theyre making a bad choice..
I have friendless children and ive said they have NO idea the pain they escaped..
Go make YOU happy in whatever way thats is please….Gods peace to you
That last sentence: 💯%
What if they’re not all conspiracies? What if, in five years, your son-in-law’s preparations are what allow them to be self-sufficient? What if she uses all that knowledge to raise a whole brood of grandchildren? I would happily trade that “problem” for mine.
I have a 22 year old daughter that had such great potential and at every corner failed to achieve anything. Then becomes pregnant and tells me she was thinking of abortion and much discussion her father and I told her we would help her with this child (thinking ok she is finally going to grow up) and then a month later changes her mind after we already went to dr appointment and starting getting excited and tells me over a text that she is going to have an abortion… I’m divested! I have not seen her in almost a week and I don’t know how to allow her back into my life as now I feel like not only have I lost a grand child but my own daughter as well. I don’t know how to forgive and move on or if I can. I don’t sleep all I do is cry and cry and think of everything over and over.
My only child married a controlling women. He owns his house and his mother in law lives with him for the last 5 years and she is very active in his business. They have 2 children whom I rarely get to see. His wife wont ever let me see the kids nor my son on his own. She ways has to be present. I’m never told when the kids have spring events prior any activities to come watch. The final straw is when they are naming their 3rd child after his grandmother on his fathers side who was absolutely horrible to me when I raised him alone as a teenage mother. Pure evil things she would say that even my parents nick named her Evil. I called him out on it and he blew up. (Probably her idea). The baby is almost due and he never told me the name I found out on social media. Same way I found out they secretly got married 10 years ago. He never told me that for almost a year. We were so close and I’m so let down and feel disrespected. To the point of calling it quits. Always left out and he doesnt see it I guess.
I’m in tears here reading this I’m just so sorry for your plight sending you love ❤️
More of us than we know..
People dont admit…
The worst part is me and husb older and dont see same caring as we did for our parents…. therapist tells me age group 20-40 different than any others..
I’m glad to be able to express my pain on this page and to know that I’m not alone. My 33 years old divorced daughter is upset and angry that I did not bother offering her to live with me and my husband. She is my child from my 1st marriage. She had a child at a young age, and another to help fix her prev marital issues. I told her at the time that it was not the answer. I love my 2 grandchildren, don’t get me wrong. She does not seemed to think first and wiegh out the consequences of the outcome of her actions . I stressed many times to think of the children first before herself satisfaction. Many times I helped her from paying to fix her car to groceries to even find her and the kids an apartment and pay for deposits and rent for the 1st month. I help her financially to start her own business which I suggested not the right time during this pandemic. She refused to go back to her prior employment since she was getting free help from the gov. She took in a boyfriend which I found out was a user or in the process of kicking his coccaine problem , exposing the 2 children in this invironment. She grew up on a clean smoke drug free family. She finally broke up with him but not before he took money from her bank account without her knowing as she thought it was a good idea to put him as co holder.
She has not been forthcoming and honest. Now she is evicted from the apartment for non payment. The children are staying with the father, while she get herself together. Her business is not creating enough income. My husband has done plenty in the past for her financially. I am embarrassed that he is disappointed and prefers not to help this time. This is not my house alone .this is not her father, I have to consider his comfort and privacy.. Its not his responsibility to take care of a lost 33 yrs old. I don’t want my daughter out on the street, but how much more I have to endure . I hate the feeling of guilt for not helping. Contemplating of having her live with us no more than a month with conditions and our rules. In the end my husband have agreed to this after he saw me having a nervous breakdown due to the stress and hurtful angry words coming from her. I have a feeling this will be his last help to offer. Could I have done more to prevent her growing up this way??
Don’t do it. That is, don’t let her move back in with you. Every time an adult child does NOT have to accept the consequence of her behavior the irresponsibility is cemented. And she believes she can’t do it. If there is some significant mental health issues than I would offer her help to get into treatment. If she is incapable of that then there is very little chance that she will suddenly get better in your home. And being in your home will give her yet more excuses to blame YOU when her life goes wrong again. And don’t beat yourself up about it. Of COURSE you made mistakes. We all do. Admit to her the mistakes you have made and maybe one of those mistakes is over functioning for her in the past. But don’t CONTINUE to make mistakes. Tell her that you KNOW she can do it on her own; that you know it is hard but that she will succeed. And offer to help her find mental health rehabilitation if that is what she needs. And if she chooses not to accept it then LET IT GO!
I write with tears in my eyes as I’m dumb founded disappointed the emotional parental abuse of my daughter to my self & her younger sister. ( biracial children )
I raised to two girls as a single parent with an absent Father, of whom very little contribution to their lives. I worked full time paid the Morgage , everything. Fast forward to now – for the last 4 years I have to watch my eldest completely ignore & exclude me in her life and move to her dads. I have to watch her on tv, magazines etc as she has become so successful.
As the dis guarded parent I’m ashamed humiliated as she has completely re- written her life of 19 years with me & Only acknowledges her Caucasian dad – totally ignoring the Africa heritage / people she has known . Today she called to show her new house in London – was so difficult as no real interest or dialogue about her life … I cry what did I do wrong ?
She is aware I had cancer etc but no interest.
My children had everything, yet I just can’t believe the ignoring & excluding using her step mom in my place. So hard .. Youngest daughter travelling the world ,, so painful
Any advice appreciated
Hi there, I’m in a very similar position and it is devastating ?
I feel for you, I have a 21 year old son that is an embarrassment
I’m so sorry.
All my childless friends= no pain like this..
I feel your pain… please write more and not suffer alone..
My daughter is 20, she has no drug addictions to my knowledge. However, she was in college but did not even try to do well. She does not have a full grasp of a educational plan.
She hates her job, and does not appreciate how lucky she is to have her current job. We pay her phone bill, buy her groceries, and help her out when she asks. However, she spends her time playing video games with loser guys, and collecting tattoos. She does not spend time outside any more, and her hygiene is terrible. Often we have no idea where she is, and will not answer her phone when we call…the phone we pay for, which is okay, but she doesn’t text back for days. It’s terrifying not know if she is safe. She is selfish and does not appear to care about our concerns. I feel taken advantage of, and don’t know if walking away would help the situation.
I’m so so sorry about this. It’s always hard to know if drugs are involved because addicts are great at hiding things, but either way, I feel your heartbreak and I wish you the very best outcome.
Going through a similar situation. It’s horrible, and not knowing the right thing to do makes it worse. Hang in there!
My adult daughter is 25. Within a year, she’s divorced, got pregnant by someone else, and while still pregnant as I write this, is now seeing a totally different person. I’m so confused and hurt because she’s never even seen me with anyone besides her father. Yet she bounces from person to person. When I found out about her behavior I called her trifing and nasty. I’m so disgusted right now. I keep asking myself where did I go wrong for her to turn out like this. I just don’t get it.
I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain. I hope you can find some resolution between you. I wish you the very best.
My son, 22, needs to stop smoking weed, go to recovery classes, work fulltime, and see his PO. I’ve supported him the whole way and even attend recovery classes with him. I’ve paid his rent, car, insurance, phone, but when he quit his job today, it was a slap in the face. Now, I’m working on ME. I realized he’s not ready to do what’s right so I’m letting go and letting God. This mother is done.
Thank you so much for your honesty. I’m struggling with my adult daughter not having her life together. I try so hard to get her on track. I’ve cried in private one too many times. I’ve decided today to just focus on myself. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. I feel your heartbreak. Yes, you can empower yourself right now and be an example. God bless!
Are things better? I feel your pain and want to know how you are coping.
My two sons have disappointed me, because they do not seem to want to communicate with me very often and because of the way they live. I have just begun to realize or admit that I don’t actually like them very much. One son just admitted to me that he was “too busy” to monitor or control his only son, who will probably not graduate from high school. I am also seeing that I don’t really like my only grandson. I feel a lot of this has to do with the generation gap and changing mores. There is this huge difference between what I think is important and what these younger generations seem to think. It is hard to accept that your children reject everything that you worked so hard to instill in them. I see from the comments here that this must be common.
Another idea that I would like to comment on is about the bragging, proud, facebook grandparents. Do these people care that they are hurting others with their bragging and showing off. It used to be considered impolite to brag. Now it seems to be a highly respected pastime. Those of us who do not have things to brag about, but who also dedicated our lives to our children, already feel badly enough. We are suffering enough without having your fairy tale version of your family sent to us by facebook. We are happy for you, could you please have a little compassion for us.
thank you for your comment, Cheryl. I think that’s a great point about being more sensitive on social media!!
Amen!! May God help you and your sons!
Very true., thank you for pointing this out.. The bragging parents and grandparents have no sensitivity to others. (Bragging is different to being gently and humbly proud, but neither should be done in social media I believe).
Get off facebook! Ive never been on due ro that.. i see terrible depression of people in same boat and NOT good for you!! Go meet friends for coffee and watch movies (comedies best!) Love to you. I SO get it.
I say that ALL the time and ive even walked away from friends with “their perfect kids” non stop talk… knowing my situation painful.. how about be a little sensitive to others around you? I have a great life but i have NO idea how our 2 kids came out like this.. one esp acts like we dont exist. Theyre 40 and were older and i hope they arent stuck living w regrets one day. Im sick of even talking about the pain theyve caused. If id known i wouldve never had any….
Ive said exact same things about people who do this. First of all i think alot are exaggerating but i also think very inconsiderate of others when they KNOW someone there hurting. Dial it back a little. Even when i have things to brag about im aware of others. I think its a lack of intelligence and i avoid those people.
Thank you Cheryl.. I am part of a large extended family that spend lots of time together . The constant bragging and one upping by Aunts and Uncles . Cousins etc. is so difficult for me to endure . My daughter married a man who lives in another country . She was an accomplished young woman’ with a great future which meant ending her career .. I supported her throughout her growing up to accomplish her goals .. I gave up opportunities for myself . . My other daughter has Autism which made her leaning even worse . Since she announced she was going to live in another country I never have recovered . That was 10 years ago . They have a child and I have been able to see my grandchild because she works in the travel industry . I have not been able to develop a good relationship with her spouse . I didn’t give my blessing on the marriage due to having to live in another country. My son in law excluded me from asking for her hand in marriage . My husband went ahead and gave him his blessing because we were in a bad place as a couple I believe . I have tried to accept him but his lifestyle is completely different and it’s hard to make a connection. I have to endure listening to family brag all the time how happy they are with their future son in laws and it just makes this situation feel worse . I feel such intense shame . How could my daughter make the decision to leave her country. And family. I have a son . He is good but The disappointment with my daughter over her life choices overshadows my life . I just want to isolate myself most of the time . I try my best to care for my Autistic daughter and remain calm but the bragging of family on social media and in person brings these feelings to the surface .. when I try to encourage my daughter to start again to pursue her old career in some ways . She becomes angry . I feel she gave up too much . I feel terribly ashamed about all this . I want just to move on and try to be happy . I know I need to get off social media . If I am ever going to feel better.
I have two daughters. They are 10 years apart. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 13. I had my oldest daughter very young and it was my main objective that I never made the mistakes of my mother. My mother gave up her responsibilities and my grandparents raised my sister brother and I from childhood to adulthood. Everything I did not have, I proudly gave to my daughter. I even waited to have another child because I wanted to make sure that she got all that I possibly could give her. We had a plan for her life and her future that included education, stability, travel and advancement.
Fast forward to our current situation…
My daughter moved out of the house at 18 (too prematurely in my opinion). She sought independence and wanted to be grown. Although there are no substance abuse issues that I am aware of, I still feel as though my daughter ended up being a loser and a true disappointment. She works dead-end jobs, she has a fat lazy boyfriend and she has no plan for advancement. I have tremendous regret for everything I sacrificed. My sacrifices were in vain!
Had I’d known that she would have been comfortable living a low-quality life of struggling, no goals, complacency or mediocrity I would have never in a million years strived to give her the life I did. In addition, she now refrains from coming around me or her sister. I believe it’s because she has “let herself go” physically that she’s embarrassed of her lifestyle. I believe in reciprocating and giving back to both family and community.
I’m ashamed how my daughter turned out. I regret not only being a parent but I deeply regret the going beyond what she deserved.
Hi Ra, it sounds like you tried very hard. Life is so uncertain but there’s always hope in the future that things will change as your daughter matures. I wish you the best.
This article seems to be related to if your adult child has an addiction problem. How do you deal with other disappointments? Like when you spend four days making Thanksgiving dinner and you ask your 3 adult children to help for Christmas by bringing one easy dish and your 20 year old goes off on you and then acts like you’re the bad guy and hasn’t spoken to you in over 3 months?
Or when you do everything for your 18 year old and ask one favor and she says yes but never does it? Even after months have gone by? Same with the oldest, buy him a car so he can get a better job but he doesn’t he stays working at his crappy part time job, has a baby on the way but does nothing to improve his situation. You drive him to a school and sit in on a meeting to get him info on starting and he lies to you and says the school didn’t send him the forms so he couldn’t sign up?
How do you deal with doing everything you can for your children and they just keep acting like selfish, mean children ? They are mean and disrespectful if you aren’t directly doing something for them? Treat you like a maid and cook. I feel like I wasted the last 29 years (my entire adult life). 3 kids and nothing to show for it.
Should I just go on with the rest of my life and pretend I never had kids? When people ask, “what are your kids up to?” Say “I don’t know, I haven’t talked to them in 2 years”, and act like it doesn’t bother me until it doesn’t? I find no comfort in praying.
I feel your pain, Kelly. Thank you for your comment. I wish there was a magic wand that could make things easier and life better for you and so many other parents who suffer.
I agree about ‘praying’!!!!
What the hell are atheists supposed to do to help cope? Praying is a useless exercise for those that don’t believe in god.
God exists- please seek Him..
I have miracles you wouldnt believe..
Something cant come from nothing.. the Universe had a Creator.. 🙂
More of us than we know..
People dont admit…
The worst part is me and husb older and dont see same caring as we did for our parents…. therapist tells me age group 20-40 different than any others..
I have been very upset for one month when my 33 year old son expressed that “I had pushed his boundaries by staying overnight! I live in Nanaimo, and slept in his hallway in Vancouver for one night. I told him I was going to stay at a “shelter” before dinner, but after dinner I was so comfortable and happy in his new apartment, also visiting my daughter (Zed’s sister)
I am still furious, and after speaking with other friends, some responses are” my son or daughter offers me their bed”, ” that was very disrespectful towards me”, or ” that wasn’t fair, or a way to be considerate to his mother”,.,, etc.
I am more mad now, after talking with friends.
I just want to break up for one year with him, and not see or call him. I am usually the one who calls him on his cell phone.
Thanks for listening and any advice for ” Mother who is stewing about it…?”
Hello Lynda, I can reassure you that you’re not alone. The article on adult children disappointing is the most visited place on my website. I’m planning to interview a mental health specialist who may be able to share some good information.
Interesting you have such traffic on this site because most people i know have perfect adult children. (We are laughing)
The holidays are extremely painful and me and my husband dont even celebrate. One lives far away and the other one doesnt care. I hope they dont wake up too late. And dang– we are nice people! I feel so cheated .. any others have prob w holidays with this??
Yea– i say same. Good luck to them. My mom was difficult but i wouldve NEVER treated her like this.
Come to the God of HOPE and LOVE. I myself was estranged from my dad for years but after coming to my Lord and giving my heart to learn of Him, He opened my eyes to see my dad from a very different and compassionate perspective. Thanks be to God, I was reconciled to my dad in his last years on this earth and by His grace, I was used by Him to open the way for my dad (& later my mom) to receive Christ. Now I live my life without regrets about the dysfunctional relationship of the past and more than that, I rejoice when I think of and look forward to the re-union with my parents in all eternity….Indeed, the God of HOPE and LOVE is soooo very good.
So glad you had reconciliation before he passed. We can never give up hope!
Thank you for sharing that. It really made me smile. I was having a bad moment thinking about the way I am disappointed right now but this reminded me to trust God. Thank you!
Get off facebook! Ive never been on due ro that.. i see terrible depression of people in same boat and NOT good for you!! Go meet friends for coffee and watch movies (comedies best!) Love to you. I SO get it.
The wisdom of Mr. Rogers knows no bounds.
Love this!
Wishing all of this wasn’t so true – not the reward we hope for as parents….that our older years will be spent in a gentler space. But time and space are fluid. So we must always hold out hope that the dark times will return to light. And that our children are on their own journeys in which they are also learning lessons that we may never see or understand. They will sit with their knowledge when we are gone.
I know that I disappointed my parents and pseudo parents (aunt and uncle) when I was younger…on my deliberate and defiant path. I now carry the lessons learned.
I think we just carry on with as much grace as we can as we try to live without codependency. Trust the paths of those we have brought into the world and look for the light. Even if it is through cracks. Loving and living in our truth.
I especially like the reminder that our children are on their own journeys. They are not “ours to keep.” Thank you, Gail.
Wonderful, insightful answer.
I too suffer, and as a widow, it is especially hard. Everyday. I try my best to hang on to hope and faith. Maybe one day, even if it’s after I am gone, they will “get it”.
I say that ALL the time and ive even walked away from friends with “their perfect kids” non stop talk… knowing my situation painful.. how about be a little sensitive to others around you? I have a great life but i have NO idea how our 2 kids came out like this.. one esp acts like we dont exist. Theyre 40 and were older and i hope they arent stuck living w regrets one day. Im sick of even talking about the pain theyve caused. If id known i wouldve never had any….
Yea– i say same. Good luck to them. My mom was difficult but i wouldve NEVER treated her like this.